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1) We get enough
bad and sad news in our life, I kinda figger if the news can't
be good
then it best be funny.
2) Though
many entertainers like me, Ol' Ugly, a Country Comedian,
occupy the same stage as musicians
or educational speakers, rarely are we ever included in their news.
We can be on the very same stage or members of their organizations,
but we are treated almost like bystanders by the media. Therefore,
this newsletter is aimed at bringing news of other country entertainers
and events to the attention of the public, but not to the exclusion
of musicians, speakers and such.
I
do answer all e-mails
Ol’
Ugly
Feedback
or news on country organisations, shows or
humorous
stories
that
happened to you or your friends can
be sent to
John
at
bizwiz1@persona.ca
Remember: laughter is a medicine
provided to us by Ma Nature.
Ol’ Ugly
‘s Just Funnin’
bizwiz1@persona.ca
or go to www.country-comedian.com
Yah, there is some copyrighted stuff here Front part of December,
2008
A Talegate talk here fer a minute!!
I
was in Saskatoon, SK to entertain for
the Country West Construction & Welding Ltd.(CWCW) Christmas party
on November 29th. Many of their employees have been with the company
for a long while and I can sure see why. Now, there is a “class
act” management and a fun loving group of people. They tell
me I was on stage for an hour, but it felt like just a few minutes.
You know you’re havin’ fun when time gallops by like that.
Their office manager, Norma, writes, “Our
crowd had nothing but good to say about you. The guys are still laughing
about your jokes.....they absolutely loved you.” The
next week I received an e-mail from a Saskatchewan trades association
saying that one of the CWCW employees passed on my name and they want
to enquire about my show.” And that’s what Ol’ Ugly’s
Comedy Show is all about folks!
As ya can see my country storytelling comedy has me travelling all
over the country. And you folks feel free to pass these on to your
friends and associates if ya wanna. That goes for you, too, Mr or
Ms Executive. You know as well as anyone else that a laugh can help
ya fight this stressful world. If ya think they might cheer somebody
else up then send ‘em. Many times a happy office is happy because
the boss is a happy person. Let’s get on with ‘er.
Blue
took up Snowboarding
Over the winter, Blue took up snowboarding. I gotta
tell you, I was impressed. He went from the beginner’s hill
on the ski slopes to the intermediate hill with no problems at all.
And all this while he was suffering from boils on his hind end!! Like
I say, I was impressed!
Now, you folks who’ve seen Blue know he’s kinda wide across
the hind end. The closest I can figger the measurement it is two axe
handles and a chaw of tobacco across. And them boils, I was talkin’
about, got big and red and sore. Lordy, them two boils was the mother
lode of all boils! One on each cheek . . . Inch and a half across
the centre and riding close to the centre line if ya know what I mean!
They got so sore Blue come to me to help him get rid of ‘em.
The only way I know how to get rid of boils is to heat up a coke bottle
and put it over the boil. That way the vacuum created by the heat
in the bottle sucks the yuck right outta ‘em.
But them boils on Blue’s back end was too big and the mouth
on them pop bottles wouldn’t fit over ‘em so I had to
use a mason jar. The mouth on that jar was three inches across. And
the vacuum created when that booger was heated up could suck a snake
out of a hole, but I heated the dang jar too hot! It never sucked
nothing out. All it done was to leave a couple of big red rings around
them boils! . . . one on each cheek.
But, I’ll tell ya, that never stopped Blue from snowboarding
and he was on the ski lift the very next day. He was squirming around
and tellin’ a couple of young people about them boils and how
much they was hurtin when he was sitting on that lift.
Them young people suggested Blue go all the way to the top of the
hill and that way he wouldn’t have to sit on the ski lift so
often. “Besides,” they said, “It’s wild boarding
all the way down from the top.”
Blue said he couldn’t do that cause he had to go to the bathroom
and there ain’t no bathroom at the top, but them kids said they
thought there was one there.
Well, Blue went to the top and there wasn’t a bathroom. Blue
snowboarded over to the bushes at the side of the trail.
Blue’s ski pants don’t got a zipper in ‘em so he
had to dropped them down around his ankles. Just about the time he
started writing his name in the snow, the snowboard started to slide
. . . backwards . . . down the steep slope . . . picking up speed
. . .
A while later I got a call to come and get Blue outta the hospital
cause he busted his arm . . .
After he was fixed up we was sitting in the waiting room waiting for
a minute when they wheeled another fella out of the operating room
with a cast on his leg.
Blue says, “What happened to you?”
The feller says, “I was up skiing and all of a sudden I heard
this bloodcurdling scream and when I looked up the hill outta the
bushes came this big bare butt . . . with the two biggest, reddest
eyes you ever did see . . . cross-eyed they was . . . pants around
his ankles . . . snowboarding hell bent for leather backwards down
the slope . . . with a fine spray of yellow water trailing out behind
. . . I was so busy watching all this that I never paid no attention
to where I was goin’ and I ran into a tree and broke my leg
. . . What happened to you?’
Blue says, “I fell in the bathtub . . .”
Speakin’
of hind ends: When me and Blue was young hind ends and the palm of
a hand twern’t afraid to meet up if a feller was on the wrong
side of home rule. Me and Blue seemed to be on the wrong side from
time to time as this next little bit of foolishness will attest too.
Side Saddle Nonsense
By Ol’ Ugly
It was cold and it was blowing
And the rain was coming down
And my shirttail wasn’t long enough
to cover my behind.
The campfire was a sputtering
I feared it going out
It was getting mighty dangerous
Being out and round about.
And I ain’t a talking personal
Bout me being out and round about
But my hiney’s kinda delicate
Not what ya’d call real stout.
I’d had it blistered once or twice
When I was but a kid
And papa caught me greasing up
Jack Murphy’s old baldhead.
Now, I thought I was a helping
I was awful sure of that
Cause when Murphy got voted mayor
Pa said his head outgrew his old hat.
And I hate to see a feller get his
Head burned all the time
But when I dumped lard on his head
Pa greased up my behind
I wouldn’t mind that licking
If it hadn’t done me any harm.
But since that time whenever I ride
Both my legs are on one side.
Huh? Now ya can see why I ain’t a poet!
Getting’ Help
Aunt
Tilley sent Blue into the city to see one of them physiatrist doctors
(ya know, one of them doctors that test your head) It seems that Blue
was having nightmares. Every time he closed his eyes to sleep he would
think someone was hiding under his bed.
Blue says to the doctor, “Do ya think ya can help me?”
The doctor says, “I sure can. You come to see me three times
a week for the next six months and you’ll be cured.”
Blue says, “How much do ya charge?”
The doctor says, “Fifty dollars a visit.”
Blue says, “Let me sleep on it!”
About five months later, Blue, runs into the doctor at the Grub Box
Café on the highway. The doctor says, “You never came
back so I could cure you of your fears that someone was under your
bed.”
Blue said, “No, I was telling the bartender at the pub my fears
and he cured me for ten bucks.”
The doctor snorted, “And how did a bartender cure you of the
fears of thinking someone was under your bed?”
Blue says, “I know there ain’t nobody under my there now
cause I took the bartender’s advice and cut the legs off my
bed!”
Notes from a couple of readers:
Hi John,
“Just read your latter November tailgate stuff and the rest
too. I love your humor and wanted to let you know. Good luck on your
travels and keep coming our way. I had a good laugh at your Polynesian
room. Bet you'd have loved the mirrored ceiling if a beautiful gal
had been yur roommate!!
Take good care -the world needs a good laugh!!”
Lynda & John ACPA web wrangler
Hey there,
“I see by your bookings that you are already booked for December
06. We really need an hour to an hour and a half comedy entertainment,
after dinner before dance, type of space. Heard you were really good.
Noticed you were booked for Fahler, just one and a half hours down
the road from us in Rycroft, for December 05. So I got to thinking,
if you had a cancellation for December 6 and you are now suddenly
free then we need to talk. If you are not free, very sad . . . Thanks
for the laughter!”
Seasons Greetings!
Linda at Rycroft Christmas Gala
One other person wrote asking me not to use
their name, but saying they would love to send me a story, but they
are afraid I would try to sell them something. I don’t sell
anything; I don’t even advertise nothin’ except what I
do and that is to try and make people laugh and forget their troubles
for a few minutes. So if you think you do have a story that will help
people forget their troubles for a minute or two then don’t
be afraid to pass ‘em on if not to me then to someone who might
need the laughter.
I don’t know about you folks but I’m
wantin’ to start windin’ down for them Christmas holidays.
Just two more shows to go. My next one is in Caroline, AB on December
13 and I look forward to helping them have fun.
Ol’
Ugly ‘s Just Funnin’
e-mail bizwiz1@persona.ca or go to www.country-comedian.com
Yah, there is some copyrighted stuff here Back
part of December, 2008
A Talegate talk here fer a minute!!
Lawdy,
I know what that feller who sung that song about goin’ up and
down the highway feels like now. Freezin’ rain on the highways
sure has a habit of makin ya hold your breath for long periods of
time. But I met some wonderful people in Falher, Acme and Nanton,
Alberta. Them people sure love to laugh and have a good time. I thank
them all for their kind words. That is what the Ol’ Ugly’s
Comedy Show is all about. Making people forget their problems for
a few minutes.
You know, I take it upon myself to bring some humour into your lives.
That is why my country storytelling comedy has me travelling all over
the country. If I can make you feel good then I done what I set out
to do. And you folks feel free to pass these on to your friends and
associates if ya wanna. That goes for you, too, Mr or Ms Executive.
You know as well as anyone else that a laugh can help ya fight this
stressful world. If ya think they might cheer somebody else up then
send ‘em, but enough of my blather lets get on with ‘er.
Intelligence
Don’t Run in Our Family
I gotta tell ya this story that happened
last summer.
Creaky Olsen came over to my place all in a lather. “I got a
hornets’ nest up in a dead tree and them things is runnin’
my horses into distraction,” he yells.
I said, “Where are they?”
He says, At the top of the hill that overlooks the river. I need someone
to cut down that dang old tree.”
I said, “I ain’t stupid enough to cut down a tree that
got a hornets’ nest in it.”
He says, “I know! Where’s your brother?”
We find Blue in the shed. He says, “Sure I’ll cut ‘er
down! Ugly, ya go grab a couple of them oily rags by the tractor.
I’ll get the chainsaw.”
We pile into Creaky’s old truck and head up the river road.
Creaky points up the hill and says, “It’s up on top of
the hill.”
Blue says, “Well, ya don’t expect me to climb that steep
hill with the chainsaw, do ya? Back yer truck up to it.”
Creaky backs his truck up and around through the woods on an old trail
to within a few yards of the tree. “Ugly,” Blue yells
at me, “Stick them oily rags on that dead tree limp, light ‘em
and hold that smoking thing up to the nest whilst I cut ‘er
down!”
I get to thinkin’ on that, and I don’t like the picture
that’s comin’ into my head. Creaky sees the look in my
eyes and he grabs the oily rags outta my hands and yells at Blue,
“Married man! We shoulda never brung a married man with us.
Them women folks get a man scare’t to do anything anymore. If
your scare’t go sit in the truck!”
Man, I ain’t arguing! I go sit in the truck.
It ain’t long before I hear some arguing out by the dead tree
and I roll up the window. Then I hear the chainsaw start up and then
some more yelling, “Ow, ow, ow, watch were you’re waving
that chainsaw you idiot?” Then I see some dust and pieces of
foliage flying around and headed for the river.
The next thing I know Creaky jumps in the truck, slamming the door
behind him and screaming, “Hornets!” and he takes off
down the hill.
I said, “Where is Blue?”
He says, “The last I saw of him he was runnin’ hell bent
for leather down the hill waving’ the chainsaw around at a cloud
of hornets.”
As we pick up speed going down the hill I hear the chainsaw getting’
louder. Just as Creaky starts to stand on the brakes so he can make
the 90 degree turn at the bottom of the hill so’s he will get
onto the river road we see Blue in full flight down the hill wavin’
the chainsaw and cussin’.
Then there’s a splash and the chainsaw died out. Creaky says,
to me. “What do ya think, should we go back for him?”
I says, “Well, yah, he is my brother . . . but wait a few minutes
‘til them hornets go away!”
Ugly
Burger
By Ol’ Ugly
If you’re like me then purty soon you’re gonna get tired
of turkey and hot turkey sandwiches, and turkey stew and turkey soup
and turkey cold cuts and . . . well, ya get what I mean. Therefore
I dug into my vast supply of country gourmet cookin’ ideas to
bring you this recipe:
Me and Blue was brung up on pork and beans, bologna and homemade bread.
To this day I enjoy a good toasted bean sandwich with a thick slice
of fried bologna and ketchup on the homemade bread. But people make
fun of my eating habits and I had to disguise my food in polite company.
So I just added a hamburger and a few onions and peppers. It became
known as the Ugly Burger. But I gotta warn ya, don’t eat more
than one of these if you are sleeping in a tent or bunkhouse unless
them other people in there are unarmed and smaller than you.
My best advice is that the eating of this should not be attempted
unless you are of country stock that spends plenty of time outside
and well away from open fires.
Ingredients:
1lb/500g of ground beef
2 slices of bacon fried and finely crushed
1 can of pork and beans (heat and set aside half the can of beans)
Man’s hand full of onions finely chopped
Man’s hand full of jalapeno pepper finely chopped
I egg lightly beaten
Woman’s hand full of cheese crackers finely crushed
A touch of chilli pepper
For the Rolls (I’d use a couple of slices of toasted homemade
bread, but we ain’t always got that.)
4 Large rolls and they should be either cheese or onion rolls
4 slices of fried bologna (you know you just can’t get good
bologna no more)
Sliced tomatoes, lettuce, a few slices of pickle, cheese slice, mayonnaise
and ketchup
Mix all the patty ingredients thoroughly. Divide this mixture into
four balls of equal size and mould into four patties.
Cook on medium heat on the BBQ or on the grill until the patties are
cooked to your satisfaction and all the redness is gone from the meat.
Split and toast the rolls. A squirt of ketchup on the bottom and two
spoon fulls of pork and beans, that has been set aside, a slice of
fried bologna, a slice of cheese and one of them hot Ugly patties.
Top it with some mayonnaise, lettuce, a slice of tomato, pickle and
the top half of the roll. Put this thing on a plate and stand up putting
both hands on top of the burger and push down hard so’s to squish
it a bit so it don’t fall apart. Now, grab your favourite can
of fizzy pop and away you go.
Warning:
Don’t throw too much jalapenos and chilli powder in this mix
unless you know somebody at the volunteer fire department. This mixture
could make your toes curl up so tight in your cowboy boots them firemen
will have to come over with the jaws-of-life and cut your boots off.
This recipe can also be found on the Cowboy Country TV website under
Episode 6
Wood Shed Talkin
We heat our buildings with wood and
Aunt Tilley would prefer to do her baking and cooking over a wood
burning stove so me and Blue gotta cut up firewood.
Each year we head down into the bush sometime in the spring or summer
and haul out enough logs to last us for a winter. Then every day we
cut up a log or two for the furnaces and stoves. This is our first
chore of the day and sometimes it is the only chore of the day.
We got a wood shed where we store the wood cutting tools and it got
an old pot bellied stove in it. Just outside that we got a couple
of overhead beams from something we was gonna build but never did.
We got a hundred watt light bulb hooked to one of these beams and
we work under that. Why? Cause me and Blue are early risers and we
get at this log cutting at about 5:00 am every morning.
I get up every morning and throw on my clothes and go out and light
the pot belly stove in the wood shed and put a pot of coffee on. Then
I go back inside wash up and get a couple of hunks of toast. By the
time I get back outside Blue has come down from the trailer where
him and Aunt Tilley lives and the coffee on the stove is about fit
for intakin’.
We generally stand around drinking our fist cup and getting rid of
any unwanted body pressure built up overnight. Then we heave a log
on the sawhorse and I grab the old bucksaw and start cutting off stove
sized hunks while Blue chops them into handling size pieces.
From time to time me and Blue will stop and grab another coffee and
go stand and look off across the river where we can see the tail lights
of the cars on the big highway headin’ into the city.
Blue says, “Do ya remember that time I took the bus into the
city to go to that cowboy breakfast?”
I said, “Yah. How could I ever forget ya talk about it almost
every day.”
He says, “Well, I can’t get over that fancy lookin’
feller that was sittin’ beside me with that little dog. Boy
he was proud of that thing. I don’t know why, it probably couldn’t
even keep the gophers off his property.”
“What’d he say?” I asked him.
Blue says, “Well, he was petting that thing and talkin’
to it like it was a baby. All the while he would glance over at me
from time to time like I was a hunk of meat on a vegetarians plate
or something. And me in my best cowboy duds!
I just tried to be friendly to him and I said, ‘“That’s
a different lookin’ dog, what is it?”’
He looked me up and down and sneered, ‘“It’s a cross
between a cowboy and a pig!”’
‘“Huh,’” I said, ‘“Well what do
ya know, that thing has got a bit of both of us in it!’”
And the feller got up and moved.”
Just then the outside light came on at the trailer and Aunt Tilley
had Blue’s breakfast ready. He grabbed an armload of wood and
headed home. I put the axe and saw away; threw the coffee grounds
out and hung the pot on a nail in the wood shed. I could see the kitchen
light was on and Chubb was up and making breakfast so I checked the
fire in the stove and put the lights out and headed in to be with
her.
Serious
Stuff !!
Me and Blue, in our younger days, would
take a few too many fizzy pops; and a drunk ain’t one of the
things my wife, Chubb, or Aunt Tilley asked for at Christmas. So the
four of us had some serious discussions (serious discussions in our
households mean me and blue shut up and listen or else) and this is
what we come up with. One six-pack of beer would come onto the farm
over the Christmas holidays; two for me, two for Blue and two for
any guests. That guest would probably be Creaky Olson. Under no circumstances
would any Manure Mash Hooch be opened.
You know, Christmas, family and friends are a whole lot purtier through
sober eyes and memories are a whole lot more pleasant, too!
Christmas is just up the road a spell.
I hope each and every one of you can be with family this special time
of year. I hope you also have a great New Year.
Ol’
Ugly' Just Funnin’
Yah, there is some copyrighted stuff here Back part of November, 2008
A Talegate talk here fer a minute!!
Lawdy!
They threw another show at me before them ones I mentioned the last
time. Them folks at the Inland Terminal Association called me up to
the Fantasyland Hotel in the West Edmonton Mall on November 3rd to
put on my Ol’ Ugly’s
Comedy Show for their annual banquet. They put me up in the
Polynesian Room. It scared me most to death.
It was a good show and I was standing around selling my CDs and talking
to people for a long time, but man, I was tired and I never had a
chance for a pre-show nap. When I got back into my hotel room after
the show I throw’d my clothes into the corner and flopped on
the bed tired out. I rolled onto my back and looked up and there was
an old man with a white beard looking down at me from the ceiling.
I got to figgering that either that old man or me had best start wearing
pyjamas. Why would a hotel wanna put a mirror above your bed? It scared
me most to death!
Are you folks passing these little bits of humour on to people who
might need a chuckle or two? I kinda hope so as you know, I take it
upon myself to bring some humour into your lives. That is why my country
storytelling comedy has me travelling all over the country. So you
folks feel free to pass these on to your friends and associates if
ya wanna. That goes for you, too, Mr or Ms Executive. You know as
well as anyone else that a laugh can help ya fight this stressful
world. If ya think they might cheer somebody else up then send ‘em,
but I gotta get off this soap box and into a tale or two:
Blue is Drinkin’
with his Friends
My brother, Blue pulls off some of the
dangdest things for a laugh.
Me and him and my eighty-six year old Aunt Tilley’s boyfriend,
Creaky Olson, was going over to a little tavern in Snooze’s
Corners and having a couple of beer every Tuesday night. But my wife,
Chubb, soon put a stop to that fer me and Aunt Tilley put the kibosh
on it fer Creaky.
Though Blue and Aunt Tilley lives in the same trailer she ain’t
got no say on his life so Blue just continued on going over to that
little tavern without us. But Blue is a kind hearted soul and he said
we needn’t fret cause he would have our beer for us.
And that is what he done. He went over there on Tuesday and ordered
three beers off the tap. He sat at our usual table and he sipped on
one and then on the other and then the next mug of beer.
This went on for a couple of weeks or so and the bartender walked
over one time and said, “Hey, Bud, I couldn’t help but
to notice you have been buying three mugs of beer at a time and drinking
them. You know those other two go flat pretty fast after I pour them,
why not just let me pour you one and then bring you the others as
you need them?”
Blue says, “No! You see bartender, me and my brother and our
old friend used to sit and have a couple of beer every Tueday but
the other two’s women put a stop to them coming out so I promised
I’d have their beer for them.”
The bartender understood and he let him be.
A couple of weeks went by and everybody in the bar soon knew the story
behind what Blue was doing with the three beers at a time.
Then one night the people in the bar noticed, Blue, only had two beers
and he was sipping slowly outta each one. Them Snoozes Corner fellers
sorta looked at each other and hung their heads in sort of mourning
for Blue’s loss. They kept their distance and gave Blue his
peace.
Then the bartender walked over and said to Blue, “We folks around
here wanna send our condolences and to let you know how badly we feel
for you. Was it your old friend who passed on?”
Blue said, “Oh, hell, no, it ain’t nothing like that!
Ya see, last week I gave up drinking, but I don’t wanna disappoint
the other two so I come and have theirs for ‘em.”
Priorities
Me, Aunt Tilley; my brother Blue and
Creaky was up at a little huntin’ cabin we got in the foothills.
Aunt Tilley wanted to see if there was any Saskatoon berries left
on the bushes and I was gonna go along with her. Blue and Creaky was
going hunting for Mule Deer back farther in the hills.
After berry huntin’ me and Aunt Tilley got back to the cabin
about dark and Blue came struggling in about an hour later carrying
a small deer. I looked around and said, “Where’s Creaky?’’
Blue says, “He sprained his ankle about a mile back so I left
him back there.”
I said, “You left Creaky back there at night, but you carried
that deer all the way back here?”
Blue says, “Well, it was a hard call, but I figgered nobody’s
gonna steal Creaky!”
Blue and the Hay Wagon
When we was younger me and Blue and our
dad used to go down to the slough and cut the swamp grass for the
cattle. It had plenty of nutrition in it and Pa wanted it for the
home meat steer we used to keep.
Blue was just getting’ to the age where he wanted to learn how
to do things and he wanted to learn how to handle the two horse team
we used to pull the old hay wagon.
Well, one day Blue was driving the team back from the swamp with a
load of hay and he didn’t keep it over far enough and he hit
a good dip and tipped the wagon over. He was running around like he
was a chicken with his head cut off.
Jim Brendson, a fella who used to live down near where Creaky lives
now, saw him and he came down and said, “Young feller, ya best
come on up to the house and settle down a bit.”
Blue said, “Pa is gonna be mad!”
Jim said, “You had best come up and have a cup of tea and settle
down. Come on!” He grabbed Blue by the arm and took him home
and made him sit down and have a cup of tea even though Blue kept
going on about Pa gonna be mad.
“Don’t worry about it,” said Jim. “When you
finish that tea I’ll go down and help you get the wagon over.
Them two horses ain’t in no danger and they’re standing
and calm.”
Blue is pretty upset and keeps going on about Pa.
Well, after the tea Jim is walking back down to help and Blue says
about Pa being mad, when Jim finally says, “Blue, stop goin’
on about your pa being mad. He ain’t here and he probably won’t
even know about it.
Blue said, “Oh yes he will cause he’s stuck underneath
the wagon.”
Blue the Midwife
Somewhere along the line Aunt Tilley
got some experience at being a midwife and Doc Oran would come get
her for help now and again when he had a call to the country.
Well, Doc had to go out into the hills cause a woman was due and he
came over to get Aunt Tilley. She wasn’t home, but my brother,
Blue, was home so Doc said, “Come on, Blue. I need you to help,”
and they headed out into the foothills.
It was storming when they got out to the house and the lights were
out and the husband was nowhere around. Doc says to Blue, “Go
find a lantern or light and bring it up to the bedroom.
Blue finds an old hurricane lantern in the shed and come up to the
room where Doc is. “Hold that dang thing up, Blue,” he
yells, “The woman is giving birth.”
Blue holds the lantern up and the woman gives birth to a beautiful
baby girl. Blue puts the light down and Doc yells, “Hold it
up again, Blue, I think she is giving birth again.”
Blue holds it up and the woman gives birth to a beautiful baby boy.
Blue goes to put it down again and the Doc wants to clean up and he
says, “Hold that lantern up again. Blue says, “I aint
a gonna do it!”
The Doc says, “Why not?”
Blue says, “I think the light’s attracting them things!”
Battling Bed Lonesome
I told you folks somewhere along the
line that my brother, Blue, is a bachelor. He’s lived with a
couple of women from time to time before they found him and threw
him out, but he has always been a bachelor.
I do a lot of travelling and it can get purty lonely in them hotel
rooms when your wife ain’t along. I phoned Blue one time and
said, “Blue, how do you ever get used to being in bed alone
after being thrown out of the women’s houses?
He said, “A long time ago I learned how to fool myself into
thinking there is a woman in bed with me.”
I said, “How’d ya do that?”
He said, “I shave one leg!”
Them November shows I done have been a blast so far.
Like I was tellin’ ya, On November 3rd I was at that Fantasyland
Hotel at the West Edmonton Mall for the Inland Terminal Association
Conference, but on on November 8th I was back up Highway 2 and entertaining
for the folks at the Telford House Fundraiser.
Now them folks love to laugh and they say they sure did like the show.
Lawdy, I never got hugged so much in my life. Them experienced women
sure know how to hug a feller and leave him with a grinnin’.
I did enjoy being really hugged by people who cared. One of ‘em
even told me that she never heard a show like mine since she saw Jerry
Clowers at the Grand Ole Opry in the 70’s. That’s quite
the compliment as the late Jerry Clowers was sure one of my comedic
storytellin’ heroes. Thank you, folks in Leduc for the good
time.
November 22nd I am in Lethbridge for a Christmas comedy show
November 25 and 26th I am in Stettler for Masterfeeds
Appreciation Lunches
November 28th I am in Saskatoon for another Christmas function.
December 2nd, Nanton, FCSS Christmas Open House,
December 5th Falher, AB Christmas Show
December 6th Acme, AB Businessmen’s Christmas Show; and
December 7th back in Nanton, AB for the Promoters Seafood Supper.
If Humour is a Medicine, I’d like to be
know’d as the Farmacist !!
If you have a function and need a Barnyard Clean
after dinner comedy show you can contact Ol’ Ugly at
bizwiz1@persona.ca or go to Ol’ Ugly’s
web page www.country-comedian.com and
look under “Bookings” to see if he is booked for
that day.
Feedback or news on country organisations, shows or humorous
stories that happened to you or your friends can be sent to
John at bizwiz1@persona.ca
If you know of someone who would like to receive this e-humour page
then send their e-mail address along and I will add them to the list.
Ol'
Ugly's Just Funnin’
Yah, there is some copyrighted stuff here Front part
of November, 2008
A Talegate talk here fer a minute!!
This last weekend I did a fundraiser
show in Trochu, Alberta with Richard Popovich. I done my
Ol’ Ugly’s Comedy Show and
Richard done his Cowboy Show.
Well our two shows fit together perfect. We
never ran over each others style but compliment each other to a T.
And we had a lot of people laughing and having fun, too. I love working
with entertainers as professional as Richard cause they teach me so
much. Thank you St Mary’s Hospital for having me along.
Yes, the Ol’
Ugly’s Comedy Show is about making
people forget their troubles for just a few minutes. That is why my
country storytelling comedy has me travelling all over the country
and writin’ this little paper. If I can make you feel good then
we done what we set out to do. And you folks feel free to pass these
tales about me and my relatives on to your friends and associates.
That goes for you, too, Mr or Ms Executive. You know as well as anyone
else that a laugh can help fight this stressful world. If ya think
they might cheer somebody else up, or relieve some stress then send
it too ‘em, but enough of my blather lets get on with ‘er.
Stealing Gas
By Ol’ Ugly
Sometimes my
brother, Blue, does things and I ain’t sure whether he does
it cause he’s smart or cause he ain’t. Anyway this is
what Blue done:
Ya see there was this trusted man in our community.
Everybody spoke highly of him, but what they never knew was that he
was stealing gas from his neighbours. He knew when his neighbours
was away and then he’d go over to their field tanks and fill
up his jerry cans with their gas . . . He was stealing from his friends
out of pure greed . . .
My brother, Blue, saw him stealing the gas one time,
but Blue owed the man money. And the man knew Blue saw him stealing
the gas, He called Blue over to his farm.
He says to Blue, “I want you to keep your mouth
shut about what you saw me doing.” Then he pointed to eight
full ten gallon gasoline cans, “and I want you to bury this
gasoline behind my barn so nobody will know I got it. If you do that,
I’ll forgive you the money you owe me. I’ll give you a
receipt for the debt with ‘paid in full’ on it as soon
as you’re finished.”
Blue says, “Okay!”
An hour later, Blue comes back in and he says, “I
buried the gasoline. Give me the receipt.”
The feller said, “Can I trust you to keep this
quiet?”
Blue says, “Just as much as I can trust you.”
So the feller gave Blue a receipt all filled out properly with ‘Paid
in Full’ and signed.
Blue put the receipt in his pocket and as he was walking
out the door he turned to the man and said, “What do you want
me to do with them empty gasoline cans?”
Aunt Tilley the Socialite
By Ol’ Ugly
Dear Tilley,
my eighty- six year old aunt always wants to be the center of attention.
My brother, Blue, takes great pleasure in shooting her down, but she
gets her own back every once in a while though.
One Halloween Aunt Tilley figgers she’ll go
to the community Halloween party dressed as a space man.
She puts that silver spray in her hair and paints
on long silver eyelashes and puts silver stuff on her face and silver
stockings and shoes and then she wraps herself in tinfoil.
She comes into the community hall like that and the
secretary of the Ag society says, “Oh, my Aunt Tilley don’t
you look grand. What is your costume supposed to represent?”
O Blue is right there and he yells so everybody can
hear, “Can’t you tell leftovers when ya see ‘em?”
But, like I say, she gets him back too:
Blue has been going with a woman from down the road
for years, but he’s always had an eye for Myrtle Swanson. Myrtle
ain’t got no use for Blue. As a matter of fact she thinks Blue
is in leagues with the devil.
But one time Blue comes running into the café
where we were having coffee and he yells for everybody to hear, “Myrtle
Swanson says I have a body like a God!” And he starts to do
all these bodybuilding poses.
I said, “Which god?”
Just like that, Aunt Tilley yells, “Buddha!!!”
So ya see, she ain’t not shrinking violet!
Aunt Tilley’s Social Climbing
Manipulated by Ol’ Ugly
Aunt Tilley
always wanted to be a socialite. One time her and my brother, Blue,
was coming back from grocery shopping and they saw a big fancy, top
of the line, BMW on the side of the road; flat tire; a woman standing
beside it. Blue pulls over and says, “Ma’m, I’ll
change the tire for ya, but first I gotta get the meat and ice cream
home and into the fridge. Come on!”
The woman gets in the half ton and they get back to
the trailer where Blue and Aunt Tilley lives. While Aunt Tilley and
Blue are hauling the groceries into the house she gets to looking
around at the patio me and Blue and Aunt Tilley has built.
It is a nice quiet spot with flowers and trees that
overlooks the river. When Aunt Tilley and Blue comes out the woman
say, “Oh, what a pretty patio. It would be perfect for a tea
party.”
Aunt Tilley jumped right on that! She says, “You
bring your friends over on Friday and I’ll put on a tea party
for you.” You bring your friends I’ll have a tea.”
They set up this tea and Aunt Tilley goes out and
buys some fancy crackers and teas and she buys a couple of cans of
salmon. She is gonna make some of them fancy finger sandwiches.
Come Friday morning Aunt Tilley opens the salmon and
it don’t seem to smell quite right. “I ain’t sure
if this stuff is any good, Blue,” she says.
Blue says, “Well, there’s one way to find
out if it’s good. Just take a bit and put it in the dog’s
food dish. If the dog eats it and he don’t die then it is alright.
Aunt Tilley does that and the dog eats it and is pretty
happy about it so she makes her finger sandwiches.
Them women all come over and Aunt Tilley is networking
with them and drinking her tea and serving them crackers and cheese
and salmon sandwiches. She is happy as all get out. Then she decides
to go into the kitchen to get some more tea. When she does, Blue,
opens the back door and yells into the kitchen, “The dog’s
dead,” then he goes out and closes the door again.
“Oh, my gawd!” Aunt Tilley yells, “The
salmon must have salmonella,” and she phones Dr. Oran screaming
about the salmon.
He says, “It could be salmonella it could be
poison. You’d best get them women down to the hospital right
away!”
Aunt Tilley goes screaming onto the patio that the
salmon was poison and they have to get to the hospital right away!
Them Lamborghinis, Porches, Cadillacs are all headed
for the hospital all being lead by Aunt Tilley in her 1949 Fargo halfton
pickup.
The doctor checks them over, pumps them all out and
sends for their husbands to come and get ‘em. Aunt Tilley is
mortified; she is broken hearted as she walks into the kitchen of
her trailer. When she walks in there is Blue leaning against the table.
He says, And yah, know. The fella that run over the dog never even
stopped!”
With stories like the one above
I guess the lady who asked me not to mention her name or company is
right when she says, “It is a wonder your brother is still alive.”
Just a couple of notes:
Leduc, AB is having the
Ol’ Ugly’s Comedy Show there
for a fundraiser for the Telford House at the Telford House, November
8th, 2008 and not the 15th as originally planned.
And Masterfeeds is having the
Ol’ Ugly’s Comedy Show in
Stettler, Alberta on November 25th and 26th for its Customer Appreciation
Luncheons.
The Ol’
Ugly’s Comedy Show is also booked
for November 22nd and 29th for private functions in Lethbridge, Alberta
and Saskatoon, Saskatchewan.
Ol’
Ugly's Just Funnin’
Yah,
there is some copyrighted stuff here Back part of October 2008
A
Talegate talk here fer a minute!!
I have been doing a bit more travelling than
usual this year and over the last two weeks, I have been to two resort
areas entertaining people. On October 11, I was in Christopher Lake
just north of Prince Albert, Saskatchewan to entertain at a fundraiser
for the Lakeland Snowmobile Club. This past weekend I was entertaining
for a Lions Convention at Kanossee Lake Inn over in the Moose Mountains
of Saskatchewan. I just want to thank these two clubs for buying so
many CDs and for the many compliments. It is so wonderful to see people
laugh like that.
And 'Just Funnin' is
making folks chuckle if not laugh right out loud, too! That’s
what I’m writing it for. As a matter of fact, “Beef Illustrated
Magazine” has asked me if they can use some of it in their news.
You betcha they can. Them managers of that magazine are some of the
good guys in this world that knows people need a laugh or two so they
can forget their troubles for a minute or two. And if you need a few
more chuckles and laughs from me in person then you can either buy
one of my CDs or come out and see an Ol’
Ugly Comedy Show.
I’ve told ya before that I take it upon
myself to bring some humour into your lives and if I can make you
feel good then I done what I set out to do. And
you folks feel free to pass these on to your friends and associates
if ya wanna. That goes for you, too,
Mr or Ms Executive. You know as well as anyone else that a laugh can
help ya fight this stressful world. If ya think they might cheer somebody
else up then send ‘em. "Beef Illustrated Magazine"
is gonna do just that.
But
enough of my blather, lets get on with ‘er.
You’re
Next
Manipulated by Ol’ Ugly
My
brother Blue has been a bachelor all his life. He lived with a couple
of women . . . before they found him and threw him out. But ever since
we got outta school we’ve been going to weddings. After every
wedding my Aunt Tilley would come up to Blue, grab him by the cheek,
and say, “You’re next!” After every wedding she
would do that; pinch his cheek and say, “You’re next!”
I was talking to Blue a little while ago and I asked, “Hey,
Blue, does Aunt Tilley still grab you by the cheek after every wedding
and say, “You’re next!”
“No” he said, “Not since the last funeral we was
at and after the funeral I grabbed her by the cheek and yelled, ‘“You’re
next!”’ .
The Widder Woman
Manipulated by Ol’ Ugly
Blue
comes over to the house one night and says, “I just fixed Aunt
Tilley’s truck. Come on with me while I test it out.”
I says, “Geez, I don’t know Blue, it’s getting kinda
late.”
He says, “Come on, we’ll only be a minute or two.”
We drive about ten miles down a dirt road I hadn’t been on for
a good twenty years and the truck breaks down. We don’t have
no tools with us so we start to walk home.
It gets dark. I says to Blue, “What are we gonna do now?”
He says, “Lookit, there is a light over in the field. We’ll
go over and ask them to give us a lift home.”
We go over and knock on the door. A woman comes to the door. It turns
out she is a wider women. She won’t drive us home, but she says
we can come in for the night. I’m
so tired, I fell asleep almost right away on the couch.
Nine and a half months later I get an official looking letter in the
mail from a lawyer. I read it and go find my brother, Blue. I say,
“Blue, that night we stayed at that wider woman’s house,
you didn’t spend some time in her room with her did ya?”
He says, “Well, yah!”
I said, “You didn’t tell her you was me and give her my
address did yah?”
He said, “Well, I didn’t think ya’d mind.”
I said, “I don’t. She just died and left me her farm!”
Blue Almost Got Married
By Ol’ Ugly
Me
and Blue was standing around the church’s Robbie Burns Fundraiser
when the preacher’s sister, Helga Hindquarter, yells over at
Blue. “Blue, you’d sure look good in a kilt!”
Blue says to me, “Whose that woman?”
I says, “That’s the preacher’s sister, Helga Hindquarter.”
He says, “She looks like she got a few good miles left in here,
I’m
gonna chat her up.”
Well, if ya had my thoughts on it I always thought the woman wasn’t
all there, especially if she thought my older brother would look good
in a kilt.
But Blue ain’t particular and he goes over and starts to chat
her up. The next thing I know he’s bought a kilt and he’s
courting this Helga. And it got purty intense, too! Come May when
he shoulda been in the garden planting potaters, he was in town making
hay!
And it got so intense that Blue bought her a
diamond ring . . . Well, maybe it was a second hand ring . . . but
Blue paid a good seven dollars for it . . . from the undertaker .
. .
Come the big night when he’s gonna pop the question, he wants
a quiet, romantic setting where he could be alone with Helga. So he
sneaked her back of the garden . . . to the old wooden, two-holed
biffy we got there . . . And there Blue, decked out in his kilt, sat
her upon the seat, knelt, one knee on the floor and took her hand
in his.
Suddenly it dawned on Helga that after all these years, a feller was
finally gonna ask her hand in marriage . . . and she got emotional!
Teary-eyed emotional . . . to the point where something fell out .
. .
Blue never noticed nothin’ at first cause he had his head down
tryin to remember the words he’d rehearsed. Then he heard something
hit the floor; roll along it and come to rest against his knee. And
when he looked down there was an eyeball looking back at him . . .
Blue jumped back, looked up to see Helga looking down at him with
one eye while blowing her nose so hard that her false teeth had come
part way out before she crammed ‘em back in.
Now, my brother ain’t the sharpest stick at the weenie roast,
but he could see the woman was coming apart at the seams and he tore
the door off the biffy getting away.
Helga tore off after him.
Blue said he figgered about the time they was both hitting full stride
that she musta had a wooden leg cause a wooden foot flew passed his
head. That gave him an idea. I had just roto-tilled the garden and
he figgered to out distance the woman in the soft dirt.
But he mistook Helga’s stamina and he said he could hear the
stomp, poke, stomp, poke of that busted wooden leg sinking into the
dirt as she gained on him from behind!
He said the only good thing about that chase was that Helga poked
so many holes in the garden with her busted leg that he was able to
follow along the next day and plant the best crop of potaters we ever
had!
She finally run him down just as he was starting to lead her down
the garden path. But by that time she’d worked up such a sweat
that her wig had fell off.
Blue told her right then and there he wasn’t gonna marry her.
Said he didn’t think it was right that two bald headed people
should be standing at the alter and that one of them twern’t
the preacher.
He said Helga blew up! Started jumping up and down in such a wild
rage . . . that something fell out of her blouse . . .He said it was
a good thing too, cause the way them things was flying around he thought
she was gonna do herself some damage
He said he wouldn’t tell me what they was but if the woman ever
wore a bikini without them she’d have to wear a pair of suspenders
to hold the tops up . . .
I said, “So ya ain’t gonna marry her, Blue?”
He said, “I ain’t marrying no woman who’s looking
down her nose at me with one eye while the other one’s rolling
around the floor looking up under my kilt.”
If you know a woman in her seventies who is lookin’ to take
on a job of training a man to civility just let me know. My older
brother is still lookin’ to get married!
Ol’
Ugly ‘s
Just Funnin’
Yah, there is some
copyrighted stuff here Front part of October, 2008
A Talegate talk here
fer a minute!!
I was in Maple
Creek, Saskatchewan the last part of September and it was gratifying
to see the crowds that came out to the shows. They tell me the people
at the horse sales and western art show was real good and I could
see anywhere from 80 to 100 folks in the audiences from the stage
whenever I was there so I am sure they was good all around.
Now, the folks
who come out to these functions such as Maple Creek are in their fifties
and up. They’re rural; they’re country and they miss their
entertainment.
For some reason
the media seems to forget these people or don’t think they are
important enough to bother with. The olders tell you plainly that
it is so pleasant to come and listen to their music and their kind
of comedy. When my CDs sell out and other entertainers do the same
then I believe them. Let me know your thoughts on this subject.
And if you
know some people who have a craving for this kind of humour then just
pass these little tales along to them or have them come out to an
Ol’ Ugly Comedy Show.
I just love to make people laugh and forget
their troubles for just a few minutes.
Enough of the chatter lets get on
with ‘er.
Don’t
Mess with Old People!
Creaky
Olsen had to take over a grade seven class at the school for a week
because the teacher was sick. That was back when Creaky had a partial
body cast on cause he hurt his breast bone in a fall off a horse.
It never bothered him too much and the cast never showed cause it
was all under his shirt. The principle said, “Just try to entertain
them and keep them busy.”
Creaky had
given the class an assignment to write a 1,000 word tale about what
they had done on their summer vacation and he went to shuffling through
some papers on the desk.
They had a
couple of smart alecky kids in the back. They see Creaky working on
them papers and they look outside and it’s kinda windy.
One of them
gets up and opens the window and the paper start to blow around and
the tie, that Creaky has to wear in the school, starts to blow into
Creaky’s face. Creaky gets up and shuts the window and picks
up the papers that have blown on the floor.
He sits down
and a few minutes later the other kid gets up and opens the window
again. The tie starts to fly around in Creaky’s face again.
Them two kids are laughing. Creaky gets the stapler and he walks back
to where them two kids are sitting and he takes the tie and holds
it flat to the shirt and staples it to his chest cast. Them two kids
thought he stapled it to his bare chest and they just went to writing
real quiet like.
At the end
of the day, the kids hand in their 1,000 word essay on their summer
vacation.
Creaky takes
them home to read and correct and they are pretty good. But he notices
that one of them two smart alecky boys, Jimmy Jones, at the back of
the room has written. “As soon as I got out of school last year
I went to stay with my grandfather on his ranch. All I did was ride
a pony and when I did the pony went clip clop, clip clop, for the
next thousand words. There was almost a thousand clip clops in his
essay.
That Friday
afternoon, Creaky gives back them graded papers, but he held back
the one with the thousand clip clops on it. He said to the class.
“These were all great stories, but there was one that was especially
clever. Jimmy Jones, I want you to come up and read your story for
the class. And Jimmy, I want you to read every single word. . .
Then after
that red faced kid finished reading his essay, Creaky said, “I
discussed the word clip clop with the principal and we both agree
that the word clip is just half a word and clop is the other half
the word. It seems you have only handed in a 500 word essay and I
asked for a 1,000 word essay. You will have to write out another five
hundred of them clip clops before you go home. The rest of the class
is dismissed.” . . . Man, don’t mess with old people.
Don’t
Mess with Creaky Olson
Creaky and
Aunt Tilley was driving across country to go to a wedding. It was
about a six hour drive and after about four hours Creaky says,”I’m
getting tired of drivin’, lets get a motel room and rest fer
a few hours before headin’ on.”
They come to
a big hotel and they get a room and they snooze for about four hours.
When they get ready to leave Creaky goes down to the desk to get the
bill and the guy gives him a bill for $300.00.
Creaky says,
“What’s this all about?”
The feller
says, “It’s your bill for the room!”
Creaky say,
“We only stayed four hours!”
The guy say,
“That’s okay. This hotel has a convention hall.”
Creaky says,
“We never used your convention hall!”
The guy says,
“It don’t matter, it was there and you could have.”
Then the fella
says, “This hotel has a swimming pool.”
Creaky says,
“We never used your swimming pool!”
The fella says,
“Well, it was there and you could have!”
The guy says,
“This hotel has a laundry room.”
Creaky says,
“We never used your laundry room.”
The guy says,
“Well, it was there and you could have”.
Creaky pulls
out his cheque book and writes out a cheque and gives it to the guy.
The guy says,
“Hey, this is only $50.00!”
Creaky says,
“Yah, I billed you $250.00 for kissing Aunt Tilley.”
The guy says,
“I never kissed Aunt Tilley!”
Creaky says,
“Well, she was there and you could have!” and they walked
out.
Aunt Tilley
and Creaky on Marriage
Aunt Tilley says to her boyfriend Creaky,
“Let’s get married?”
Creaky says, “Who’d have us?’’
Aunt Tilley
says. “Stop fooling around. You know I mean you and me getting
hitched.”
Creaky says,
“That ain’t a good idea, but I gotta admire your taste
in men.”’
Aunt Tilley
says, “You mean you ain’t a gonna marry me?”
Creaky says,
“Oh, no! I already went through that once and I ain’t
gonna go through it again! You don’t know what it’s like
to go through wedding vows like I had to go through. They was, ‘”You
have the right to remain silent; anything you say may be held against
you; you have the right to an attorney. You may kiss the bride.”’
No way, from now on I’m a confirmed bachelor!”
Aunt Tilley
says, “Then if you’re not going to marry me, I’m
gonna advertise in the newspaper for another man!”
Creaky says,
“Go fer it!”
So Aunt Tilley
puts this ad in the newspaper, “Beautiful older heiress
desires contact with easy going playboy who desires some fast action.
Reply to General Delivery.”
A week later
I’m over at the trailer where Aunt Tilley and my brother Blue
live and Creaky’s there with Aunt Tilley. I figger to get a
bit of a spark outta Creaky so I say to Aunt Tilley, “Did you
get any answers from that anonymous advertisement you put in the newspaper?”
She says, “Just one.”
I said, “Who
was it?”
She says “I
can’t tell it’s confidential.”
I said, “Don’t
gimme that! What if the guy’s a creep or something?”
She said, “Well
he is a creep!”
I said, “Well
who is it?”
She said, “It’s
your older brother, Blue.”
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Ugly's Bio Back
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